What Church Teaches about "the One"

Being in the church from 15 to 25 was incredibly hard.

Hard in that depending on the type of fucked up church you went to. I'm serious!!!

I had two (2) female "Mum's" who would make me a wedding veil and then I'd get excited thinking it was a sign from God saying:

"You're getting married soon..."

But they'd straight away shut me down and say:

"Oh no, it doesn't mean that of course..."

Ouch those words cut so deep they were probably the "Christians" who took away my hope of ever finding a husband.

I actually got two (2) oops!!! Not veils!!! I mean bouquets!!!

M gave me two (2) bunches of flowers that were fake and beautiful, but they came with - "No, you're not getting married." tagged on immediately.


I can't believe I ever let them take that hope from me. That is probably why when HP liked me, I went crazy coz I've never had that sort of experience before.

No Christian guy has ever been a match. I've looked out there and during my 20's I had desperate years.

I thought I had settled down and with Clarence's help, I got used to the idea of being an independant woman, especially financially independent.

I think I stayed in my previous job too long because I was more into the money than the liking the job or the people.


*Sigh* the truth really being that I was aimless once more, I had no idea what I wanted to do next.

When HP came along, I was so excited and didn't hardly know what was the right thing to say or do and so I was desperate. Desperate to get to know him, desperate for him to know me. I told him too much too soon and he didn't like it or...well the silence...the end...



When I was in a waiting room recently, I picked up an old Cleo or Cosmo and it had a psychologist with a short column thing.

Apparently, me the one who is desperate to get married, is actually a commitment phobe.

Its ironic, but I can see that is how I behaved, insecure, needing affirmation. So desperate to be loved, that I freaked him out.


Though I used the "Five Love Languages for Singles" as a cover coz I found out my most powerful love language:

Want / Needing
1st Affirmation [of course] (with words)
2nd Quality Time
3rd Touch

Giving / Sending Out
All Five

I'm quite observant of peoples needs, sometime its different with different people. Maybe part of what I can give out is what I know they need back, coz I am an adaptable person and I like to be sensitive to their needs. Sometimes, well that's the past. I'm no longer anyone's slave...


Clarence, I can tell her how much I love her and how much I appreciate her friendship (over the phone)

A I can tell her with a gift more than with words, though if I am courageous enough, I can tell her. Though mostly, she has to say "I love you Zen" before I say it back.


Its all very weird, but I guess that all comes in the contradictive package that is me, I like to be unpredictable.

I think people do misunderstand me a lot, but mostly they judge me on the outside and don't take the time to get to know me, coz I don't always show who I truly am except to those I truly trust...