The True Place of Safety

So that is what I needed to learn?

The true places of safety are in talking ot Clarence and in talking to myself through this blog.

I do think I have some more words to express about the Hairy Potter situation.

Dear Hairy Potter
You liked me, I like you. You thought I was cute, I thought you had a good heart. I saw through your veneer and saw what I'd hoped was a good guy.

Now that there is no beginning, middle or ending, there is a nothing space of silence, I can't work with that.

I've waited so long for a guy to care for me and I thought that you could've been the one guy that could.

All of my friends were so excited to know that you existed and so was I.

I hate that there is a separation. I can't say that if you ever called again, I'll give it to you that you called my mobile phone. What I would say if you ever do.

I hate that you lost your Granddad who was like your Dad when you grew up.
I hate that you lost your Father to alcoholism and he abandoned you and your Mum
I wonder if she was an awful mother like mine and treated you badly in her pain
I hate that you lost your cousin who was like a brother to you in an overdose, I bet you blamed yourself for not helping him or knowing that he was going to do it
I hate that being an only child would have put a lot of pressure on you growing up
I hate that you couldn't handle my crazy when I was actually crazy, and I blamed myself then
I hate that you took 18 minutes to sit down next to me and talk, why were you so afraid?
Clarence laughed at our first words: "My pen broke, and I can't fix it." Why didn't you offer to fix it? I thought you were a sweet guy
I hate that I didn't know how to help you or how to get through to you that I relied on the advice of your friend

I like that your advice was supportive - "Stick with the plan" because you were the one of the only two who completely supported me in that decision I made. Well I knew Claire would support me if I asked her too. I can't remember much anymore
I like that you accepted my taking anit-depressants because your Grandmother is going through depression. I said I believe the elderly can die of a brokenheart.
I said "I don't care" and you said: "But you will care" I said "I just need friends this year"
You said twice that you needed to go and both times I said "Yeah you look tired" and "Work can suck the life out of you"

I hate that I think you are scared of me
I hate to think that talking about your family history made you feel weak or emotionally upset
I wish that I could help you with that
But the truth is I am too messed up to help you, though I wish I wasn't
I hate that all I wanted from you was to hold me when I cry
But I never thought you might need someone to hold you when you release your tears
I wanted you to be a friend, yet I can't be a friend to you right now

I hate this silence that means nothing but something and I can't ask you to figure it out for me.
I can't ask you to do anything else because what happens next is up to u...