Candle In the Wind - Norma G

Candle In the Wind

I don't know the truth anymore...

I know I have feelings for HP and I can't shake them, yet I'm in the process of not grieving my Nan Norma G.

She died today at 7:40am.

I spent two last times with her. One just prayin and the other saying goodbye.

I feel like something blocking me from grieving her, maybe its the whole HP confusion.

I had an immense push to call him, as I've written something I want to say to him so he knows that I didn't reject him.

It sounds all great and lovely, but what the heck do I do, I'm so confused, and unhappy that I hardly know what I want for breakfast every morning.

I think thoughts of him won't go away until I say or do something about it. But after a few rings and no answer, I got so worried that he either knew my number and refused to pick up or the other possibility is that he wasn't at his desk.

Either way I had a fairly major panick attack with hyperventilating and all. I need counselling.

Maybe I'll call Lifeline or I hope thursday night, that Clarence will be free so I can chat to her about it.

As she knows me best, she might be the best one to advise me. I feel like she'd encourage me to go for it, considering I can't shake the feeling and the bible verse:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick

I sure feel that way. I feel sick of thinking of him and sick of talking to him in my head where he isn't there. I hardly want to eat at all and if I do want to eat, its the extreme of just shoving food in my mouth coz I have to.

I guess that is both depression and anxiety working for and against each other?

I hate feeling this way, so miserable, so miserable without him. Yet is what I'm feeling real? I don't think it is some unhealthy obcession.

True, I am severely bored and everyday something new goes wrong and I'm suing a company, I've declared war on them. Yet here I am freaking out.

Please think of me on 12/03/2008.



One month and one day since I last saw HP. What the fuck am I going to do?