I'm Still Out of My Head

So I'm finally back and expressing myself in a safe less "targeted" way.

I got two (2) sms today and one really disturbed me in that a friend told me to stop thinking. That she was concerned.

I appreciate that thought I really do, but telling me to stop thinkin is like telling me to stop dying every day.

I can't eat, I can't sleep and no one trully cares except for Clarence.

That's the absolute truth. No one else wants to care about me becoz me and my pain is too much for them.

So I told everyone on fb, and as much as I was saying shit before. I do feel better today, in that as much as the euphoria is fake and the tears are mosly hormon-related,

I'm still in it, I'm still in my head and I can't ever get out. The only absolute way out is to kill myself.

Last night on the phone to Lifeline, I told the counsellor,

"I'm a survivor, I'm still here. I won't kill myself."

And do you know what he siad? He siad that he can see that I'm still a caring person, that in amongst all that fucking shit that I feel that I am right now, I still have a pure heart, the one that God gave me.

I scratched my finger and I never felt it bleed. My hair still falls out like there is no tomorrow,

I've not slept since Europe, not properly anyhow. I was so disappointed to see the bastard was still there when I got back and his abuse continued under the direction and supervision of my mother.

My hips and tailbone hurt a lot right now.

I'll have to go rest.

I'm almost at the point where I'm going back on the meds and I am so afraid of whacking out again. My greatest fear, that I'll go completely insane.

Though I already feel insane. Please help God, where are the carers in this world, where are the ones who will hold me when I cry, this time.

Lifeline said they will come and I say God where is Your supply? What's the point of having faith if God does not fulfill prayer?