I Fucking Hate My Mother

I no longer have a Mum, but I live with a selfish bitch who doesn't give a shit about me.

She actually laughed at me when I started crying about the fact that I can't afford to pay shared bills with her.

I said I am a border here, and I was trying to negotiate the price of the bills and the money I owe her that I can't afford to pay.

She wasn't listening or caring when I told her that I need to keep my money for paying for my physical rehab. She doesn't fucking care about me at all. The selfish bitch.

I just can't believe the one person who has been in my life will no longer be in my life.

Once I get financially better. I'm moving out and leaving that fucking bitch behind.

I won't be seeing her for her birthday I think and I don't think I'll bother seeing her at Christmas.

I hate my fucking uncaring family so much. I wish they were dead.

Most of this anger is actually at the fact that my life is so fucking shit and she finds it fucking amusing.

I still hate that bitch.

No one but God is with me all the time and He is all I need, yet I can't reconcile the fact that people don't care enough to help me.

I tried to call community services at church to get help to move out and Bella* was helpful, in that she understood, yet I just don't know what to do.

I am going to start writing down my eating habits coz I fucking want to become anorexic for definate now.

I wrote an apology email to MM Hairy Potter's friend and I hope that heals that situation for now.

I've prayed that the situation is going to get better.

I still have feelings for him and I wish he wasn't such a fucking coward. But I am beginning to understand how scary it could have been for him. Compounded by what shit I told MM in the email.

I wish I'd never asked her for help, well not really coz she did help me, but then she pissed me off and I went off at her under the influence of a prescription drug. I can't believe I yelled at her through email.

I got yelled at by Nelly* though but we did make it up.

I wish people would stop sending sms's coz I am getting scared that I can't afford to pay for any more credit.

I am very fearful of lots of things right now. A bit paranoid coz I think I've seen the Insurance company's investigators listening or taking photos. I am so certain that I can say I'm in my sound mind.

Typically I feel insane coz I can't think straight and my mind comes and goes at times.

I feel so depressed I wish I had the courage to kill myself.

My theory about suicide is always that they take that step in a time of desperation, but I think it takes great courage to actually do it.

It may be a warped opinion in your opinion, but to think of a plan in such a desperate moment and to do it, it takes courage.

I hate that they also feel so pressured that it it no other alternative.

But right now. It is only God being the reason why I've yet to take the step to make a plan.

Also coz I'm intestate and My Will isn't filled out to my satisfaction.

I fucking hate life, but I feel better right now.

I wonder if I'll have another crisis and feel like I want to kill myself... probably but that is when I call out to God and He hears me, I hear Him...



*Not her real name