A Big *Sigh*

Well I still feel like rubbish, so I am coming here first before I even think of going on FB.

I want to retire from it for a while coz I feel like I've beeen such a fool on it and publicly humiliated myself and worst of all I still care what MM Hairy Potter's friend thinks of me.

I shouldn't care becoz its over now and I still hurt over it.

*sigh* I think it'll take me a while and its just a distraction from the rest of my problems, so I have no idea what I trully feel coz all of my emotions are out of whack and I am so stressed.

But on the bright side, it's not too bad. I've figured out all I have to do is be civil to Mum and not speak with emotion and things go ok most of the time.

She pretends that nothing is wrong between us and she is always on about money and moving out and says the worst things without even thinking how badly they could be affecting me.

That's coz she doesn't trully care. I've noticed and I've stopped loving her. When I start to feel anything for her again will be a very long time.

I soo cannot wait until I move out, yet I don't know how I can do that without any income.

Money should'nt be bothering me right now, but it is my biggest problem. I have enough for a while and I'm not looking in my draw at my last reserves.

The bitch (mother of course) keeps going on about how we've only got $7.95 until next Tuesday for food and coz I refuse to pay bills or give her any money at all she rubs it home that I'm spending too much time in the shower.

She's actually started banging on the door of the shower and commenting that the water bill from last summer was never that high as it is last bill.

I've not had that many long showers and she hasn't even looked at the possibility that the price of water has most likely increased.

So I'm turning the other cheek every 5 minutes and there is no point even telling her anything about what I'm doing or not doing coz she walks away from the conversation with some nasty fuckin bitch comment and I get stabbed in the heart again.

If I really think about what I feel in this situation, I burst into tears. But God is with me and I hear a gentle voice cautioning me not to say anything.

I have to be civil and play by her rules or else she'll just ask for the key back and show me the door.

She makes no effort to help me find a place or come up with any ideas. She just criticises and bitches at me for being a charity case.

A freeloader. She almost called me that one morning.

When I do walk out that door I will never look back. When I move all of my stuff out of her garage I will never call her again.

If I need a ride to the train station, I have to practicall beg for it and I shouldn't have to.

When I had money, I was very generous to her. I'd give her too much petrol money I think and now that I can't be generous, she's a bitch.

She is the worst bully ever. Coz she has no regrets and as she is the one that pushed me into this world, she believes she has the right to push me around.

Coz I've got no sense of humour she nags me about not laughing and I just think.

I'm not going to be who you want me to be, I may live under this roof, but I don't have to play your politics or play your stupid games. I just have to be silent and ask for nothing.

Its funny, when I decided to sponsor a child, she fucking tried to bully me out of it, coz:

"Charity starts at home."

Fuck you bitch, where is the love and charity when I can't give you money?

I trully hate her and feel no qualms about disowning her.

I've changed my ICE - In Case of Emergency Contact number to Alina and she's actually "Maureen' in my phone book.

I don't give a shit if anyone tries to talk me into "loving" my mother. All I have to do is honour her this short time I have to stay here, then I can run and hide and recover from all the fucking damage she's inflicted on me throughout my life and right now.

So goodbye mother, you are dead to me, I have no room in my heart for such a cold hearted bitch like you.