Wishing for the End of it all...

Right now, I wish this whole situation was over. I want to be in 6 months in the future where there isn't any pain of any kind. Where I've moved out of home and I'm free of bullies, especially the family kind.

Mum is finding it so hard to understand me right now. I wish I was dead rather than feel the way I feel.

I know I won't go so far as to kill myself. Jesus and I have an understanding. But I feel so awful right now and the tears won't stop flowing, that I wish I could find my home in Heaven and curl up in my bed up there and pet my pet Lion Ralph and my pet white tiger George and go to sleep up there rather than have to live down here in this hell on earth.

I'm looking at purchasing a property, I even have a possible place I could buy. I have to bide my time at the moment and get back to work. I need to save as much as I can even though I feel like such shit on the inside and I just want to "buy" stuff to make myself feel better or fulfil those needs that can't be fulfilled by stuff or people.

I wish I had that guy that would just hold me til I cried myself out and but I can't do that right now. I have to concentrate on my relationship with God rather than some guy who doesn't really know me or what I've been through.

How is it that things can get so hard and no one totally understands but Him? How can I feel so alone when He is always here.

The pain is so much right now, I've looked at a few ways out. I have my counselling session tomorrow and my counsellor has suggested I move in with friends who will support me.

The problem is that all my friends are the busy types. They only give me time when they feel like it. My only true friends who completely support and care and love me are AC and Clarence.

Transport is a major problem should I temporarily move in with Alina. My body hasn't recovered enough to do driving lessons.

My head is too messed up to be on the road anyhow.

All I want to do right now is get back to work, so that my mind is stimulated and my emotions are controlled. I can't quite control them right now. I have to wait until my Dr returns from leave and I may get the all clear on 19/01/2009.

I really hope I do. My counsellor is going on leave, but he is such a good counsellor that he has offered his help during his leave. I might find another counsellor to visit face to face, I don't know.

I just wish all of this was over and I wasn't living in a frying pan. No the saying goes, from the frying pan and into the fire. I wish I wasn't living in the fire...

Please pray for me, should you read this.