That Choice Again

Well Mum has pissed me off again.

She is a major bully in my life right now and she calls me a bully and says comments about wanting me to go.

I think I am going to have to move out slowly.

I told her this afternoon that I think she thinks and I quote:

"You think I am a stupid little girl."
"I told you from the start that you need to listen to me."
"That's where our relationship fails. You never listen to me. You never reciprocate a conversation. I talk to you and you never talk back and then you go on at me for going on and on and on."


The meaning behind this is that I had told her that if she stops listening to me and etc. I will blank her and that is what I am going to do. I am hardening my heart and forgetting that she is my mother. Its a bit like I'm being Pharaoh and she is Moses, "Let My People Go."

You know something, I used to think that Mum and Dad's marriage failed. And it did. I used to blame Dad coz he was such an arsehole. But it turned out he was a sensitive guy that carried a huge burden in his life.

He was savagely beaten by his own father. Granddad came back from WWII and instead of dealing with his pain and the fact that he watched his friends die over and over and he even accidentally killed his own best friend, coz the guy committed suicide by walking in front of Granddads tank.

It's pretty awful. Dad was a geeky kid and he did track running, I wonder if that was so he could spend less time at home and learn to "run" away from his father who beat him until who knows when.

In his turn, Dad beat us. The "ruler" was the threat and we were good kids, but when I was 16 to 17. I learnt a trick from one of the girls, coz Dad still beat me when I was a teenager, the boys got out of being punished when they began to run away. My sisters was never punished coz she looked like her mother that Dad never forgave for sleeping around behind his back. I don't think he ever got over her betrayal. He couldn't look at my sister ever. Her mother was a silly bitch really. When sis had a baby and her mum came to where they lived. She wanted to see Dad and actually told him that she wished she hadn't cheated on his with several partners, she wished she hadn't abandoned my sister by selling her for a car which she crashed. You know I think that is so sad, that it took my sis's mother her whole life to realise she ought to have loved and cared for the man she married first.

She ended up with an abusive pedophile. She let my sis drink champagne and/or alcohol before she was of age. She slept around when sis was up to 6 years old.

Sis came to live with us when she was turning 7 and she has been my sis since I was four (4) when she first came into the house, I followed her around the whole day. I remember some of the thoughts I had on that day.

Mum and Dad of course just told us that his daughter who we'd never met would be coming to live with us.

I was so excited, I didn't like being the youngest. I had hoped she'd be a baby sister.

By the way, Mum told me that Mum and Dad wished that they had a child of their own. You know, I was that child of their own. I grew up with Dad's strong mentorship, I knew him since I was 3 years old. I loved him on sight. Everyone wondered why I kept jumping up on his lap. I guess even at that age, I knew he was going to be my Dad and I claimed him as my own. I even remember the look on his face everytime I jumped on his lap, he looked frightened!!! It's funny!!

I think I suffered the most when Dad died, coz I personally believed that out of all of my family, I loved Dad the most, I knew Dad the most, I cried for him the most. I still miss him the most. [still crying and pulling a baby face who cries]

You know that is why I want to get in touch with my sister, she is the last link to Dad and I want my sister back. I'm crying here coz I will never forget Dad, I'm still grieving for him right now. Mum is a bitch and I wish Dad was here so I could talk to him, coz I don't like Mum anymore. She is so butch/bitch.

I always thought it was Dad's fault that the marriage failed. But they always told us that it takes two (2) to tango.

Mum said she felt like she's lost her best mate. Dad kept saying over and over that she just didn't listen. When Dad was so sick that he didn't feel like taking a shower, she would nag both of us to have a fucking shower!! I stood up to her and said, "Why do I have to have a shower? Do I have to have one coz you say I do?"

Dad followed suit eventually. He started yelling at her and saying she never listens and he was too proud to say that he couldn't take a shower coz his body gave in. He couldn't eat coz he wasn't hungry.

Sis and Mum told me off for shoving a toothbrush and a glass of water and a bucket in front of Dad coz I needed time in front of the mirror. Fuck I was loosing weight and looking beautiful and do you know what my family said?

Mum: "You look like a bust onion"
Laughing: "Cover your boob up"

I wore Dad's overalls coz they fit me and I felt so good to wear them. All those times Mum forced / bullied me to get rid of the skinny clothes, she always made a fuss of those overalls. Guess what? I'm wearing them this winter. Coz I still wish Dad was here [Crying my face off I can hardly see the screen]

I wish I had a husband who I could talk to who would support me and hold me and these tears I can't stop crying. But I'm keeping my distance from Hairy Potter for my own safety. I don't want to repeat the same experience with that last arsehole who told me I was special and all that nice stuff.

I fell in love with that selfish fucking arsehole. I told him how I felt about him and he still wouldn't have anything to do with me. He shit on my with his apples speech. Saying I am the same as any apple.

I don't know how I am going to get over that.

Inside I am dead almost every day. I'm wiped out and no one is here to support me except those angels that guard me and Jesus.

Fucking hell I need to move out and find somewhere to live. I might ask Rach if I can stay with her for a week and stay over at Alina's house on Tuesday.

I'm moving out as soon as I can. I'll get the quokka this week and ring up church this week and see if they have anywhere I could stay.

I'm physically moving out as soon as I can. But my stuff will have to stay here until I buy my home. I just don't know where to start.

I wish Clarence lived here in Perth. I wish her husband liked me. I think he is jealous of me, but we are actually quite a like.

Both geeks, I like rpg and playstation games, role play stuff and Dr Who and shit. I think he is jealous that I am closer to his wife emotionally than he is able to.

I don't care if he reads this, coz I admire the guy. He is a much better husband than he was in and I say about fucking time!!

I do congratulate them on their next born. I hope/he she will be as beautiful and as smart as their little girl now. Coz that kid, she is so lucky to have both of her parents. She is so smart and creative and I am blown away at how much potential she has. I can only say, well done Clarence and husband for being such great parents.

I hope that if I ever have kids of my own, that they will be as smart and as sweet as that precious little girl is.